So long since I was back. 2011 was pretty eventful.

I met this most amazing group of people, my StepFamily.

When I was with them, for a moment, I believed that there was someone with me.

They are undoubtedly one of the most amazing group of people I am blessed to meet, all me dahlings. haha. Hosting a group of diverse people, from all the different countries.

They taught me love exists.

Well, christmas was depressing. I can't comprehend how you can simply walk out of our lives over a tiff and waltz back in now. What I can never forgive is how easily you left. Thats not what family is. It saddens me to see how the world you live in is limited to you, yourself, no others. Your god preached to love the family. Well, apparently loving Him is more impt to you than being with your family. That is why, I can't accept crazy christians, because one too many times, they've failed me. They've failed what I've always believed about Christanity.

Yes, Im raging.

Because this hurts too damn much.

Losing people day by day, one by one.

couldnt sleep well for a month, spent every night having nightmares that I would lose you.

That I would lose the people I loved.

I've lost, and I don't have the energy to continue hoping.

Underneath all that pretence, I am but a mess.

Im not capable, neither am I deserving of love.

I've stopped expecting love.

shingz

Shingz. Misunderstood even by my.own friends. It was your faith that made me hold on. When your faith was gone, it was so much harder. Thank god faith comes from others. And you wonder if I can trust? I cant. Not when nobody except the ones I am sure of , i can trust.

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futile

It is useless. Forming a defence against a missile that already has its target locked.

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light

Inconsequential matters and people bogged me down for awhile. Important matters defined how I lived for the past few years. In the past few years, it felt like, life was simply to carry on, not to live it with emotions. Closure came late, but I am thankful to God for letting me get closure. The relief I felt that day, it made me free. It made me see that the shackles I felt, had always been imposed by myself. I learnt that shadows are necessary, to prove that light exists. It was dark, but I think that now, I am learning to appreciate the shadows, that are a part of me, when the sun shines down on me. Im attempting to see beyond this. I am selfish. I will not let what I need and must have, be sacrificed because of anybody or anything.

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sympathy doesnt = love

Rina said im mistaking sympathy for like. Its sad tat the only way I can know about you is through your blog. I dont think I like you. I think I just want to help you. Because helping you would mean I can assuage my guilt towards my cousin . This guilt. Its always gna be here and it messes up my life. All my broken promises to help you. I know my cousin probbly doesnt remember me anymore. But I didnt help him. All the promises to myself. So yes, I think you're a way for me to relieve that guilt I feel.

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voice 2

My voice came back. Now its my stomach. That wrenching feeling. I dont know. whether i can do this. Dont tell me how to live my life. Dont tell me that i should be over it. Because i am fully aware. I know i shldnt feel this way. But you dont know how i've been living my life this past 5years. You cant judge me. You cant ask me to pretend. Something in me died. And now im still trying to find it. Feelings exploding from me. But i cant do anything. I can only repress it. How many times will it take for me, before i get over it. Can i start again, with my faith shaken. I just have to stay and face my fears, my mistakes, my uncertainties . I need to become stronger and wiser. Every year, my blogposts follow the same selfdestruct format. Im so afraid. Im so afraid cause i dont know what im doing anymore. Im so afraid cause i dont know what to do anymore. Im so afraid cause everything's out of control. Im so afraid cause im running away.

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voice

I lost my will to speak, not my ability to speak. Woke up this morning, then i realised that when i tried to say sth, it was as if my voice wasnt thr. Like it was too tired. I think my sister knows im not talking not cuz i lost my voice. But in a way, im not doing this deliberately. I just cant. Dealing with grief in my own way.

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